A short list

I give you the top 5 movies you should watch if you should ever forget just how great your friends are:

1. Beaches
2. Now and Then
3. Thelma and Louise
4. Fried Green Tomatoes
5. The Adventures of Milo and Otis

Because I said so, so there!

Schedules

I've been thinking lately and I think what will help me tremendously with several problems is if I put myself on a schedule. I think part of the reason I feel like I'm getting clobbered by life repeatedly is because it seems everything is coming at me all at once. Maybe if I inserted some semblance of order into my life it wouldn't seem all that bad. So far I'm thinking 0700 will be the start of my day except on weekends. 0700-0745 will be my treadmill time and I will run/walk on that sucker a minimum 5 days a week until I am 40 lbs lighter and wearing between a 6 and an 8 (not an unrealistic goal since I was a size 3 before pregnancy/weight gain). That will take care of several health related issues right there. 0745-0815 will be get ready for work time. 0815-0845 will be my commute to work. 0845-1645 will be work (can't really schedule this out since my level of work to do and business varies daily). 1645 - 1715 my commute to the daycare to pick up Chucky. 1715 - 2100 will be Chucky/Chris time. So I don't have to stress about dinner I think I'm going to start premaking three meals on sunday and we can have them monday - wednesday. Thursday and friday chris can take care of. 2100 - midnight will be homework time and after that bed. The schedule seems simple enough but the hard part will be sticking to it no matter what becuase sometimes I don't get the help I need from Chris and that throws everything off.

I think I am going to do schedules for the weekend too. I can sit down with Chris and we can figure out what we both need to do and schedule it in to the weekend. I have always been one of those people that keeps my life ordered with post-its and to do lists and I much prefer order to the chaos I have now.

I have been feeling alot better since the last post. Also I have Wrestlemania to go to on April 1st with Chris and a family trip to Chicago planned on memorial day weekend. Chris and Chucky are going to NY either the first or last week of June. I'm thinking I need a break. Krista suggested that I need to be a little selfish and take care of myself for once and I think a step in that direction would be just going somewhere by myself for a three or four day weekend (maybe 4th of July weekend?) and just let Chris hold down the fort while I go relax somewhere. Problem: I have no idea where I would want to go and if I would be willing or we could afford to pay for me to go somewhere for three nights. Suggestions anyone? Well guess I better get back to the homework. I am actually ahead in my algebra class for once and I am plugging away at the test but am stuck on a problem so I thought I'd take a break and make a post. Back to work now though....

Worst Luck

Whatever happened to the luck of the irish? I'm irish dammit and I've got to be the unluckiest person to walk the face of the planet (well maybe not that bad, but still). I am really depressed about the way things are going with my classes. Right now I am earning a B in both of them. The intermediate algebra class is whats really bothering me because I have a very strict teacher that really is not willing to work with her students at all. Last week I had the 10 point project due that I worked on for about 3 hours but since I forgot to post it to both locations and posted it to just the one I lost credit on the whole thing. I got sick two days later and missed the math test for that week so there goes 20 points for that week. Illness is not something I can control. My head was pounding so bad I couldn't even stay awake. I try to get all my stuff done as early as possible but I work full time and I have a two year old and a household to take care of so its not easy to get everything done early in case something happens the day an assignment is due even though I try.
This week was even worse than last week. My son got sick with a fever on friday. When I took his temperature friday is it was 101.7. I gave him tylenol which helped a little and the daycare was giving him motrin which seemed to help a little but as soon as they wore off the fever was back with a vengeance. When I woke up saturday morning I took his temperature because he felt really hot and he had a temperature of 103.2 so I had to take him into the emergency room. They were really concerned about how high his temperature was so they wanted to take a urine sample and do chest x-rays. Well the chest x-rays went fine but he couldn't "do pee pee in the potty" for the urine sample so they had to take his urine with a catheter which was very painful for him. He was screaming the whole time they were doing it and I felt very bad for him. They said he had a viral infection and sent us home. That night I decided I was going to make him brownies to make him feel better and I started to mix everything but realized that chris had used the last of the oil so I had to go to the store to go get some. Well on my way back from the store as luck would have it I hit one of those famous MASSIVE michigan potholes and popped both of my tires on the passenger side of my car. Being that it was late saturday night and nothing was open then or all day sunday, and because my car is new and has an uncommon kind of tire, we couldn't find the tires we needed to replace the ones that popped so now I have to wait til tomorrow and take it to the dealership and have my dad get up at the ass crack of dawn to follow me to the dealership to make sure I make it there on the two spare tires we have on the car and then he gets the joy of driving me all the way to Grand Rapids so I don't miss work and my ass doesn't get fired from my job.
So in the last two weeks my grades have taken a nose dive for reasons mostly out of my control, I got sick, my son got sick, and I damaged my car costing us to spend even more money we couldn't afford to. I'm starting to wonder if it can get any worse. What next? Am I going to step inadvertently walk in front of a bus tomorrow or something?
I like to think that under normal circumstances I am a glass half full person but life is just kicking the crap out of me lately and I have this feeling that I am on the verge of a massive meltdown. I almost had one today. I have no outlet for the stress I am under, nowhere for the anger to go and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have had problems with depression since I got back from Iraq. I actually had the thought today that I don't care if I get better anymore. As long as I am functioning well enough to be a good mother to my son thats all I care about. The rational side of me tells me that hell no, that is not good enough because I have always been the person that wants to be good at everything but the emotional side of me is waving the white flag right now. I am scared to go see the VA for help because I'm scared if I do they'll want to put me on medication and I don't want to be on any medication. Even if I did agree to being on medication, I suck at remembering to take it anyway which is why after the pregnancy I asked for the Depo shot as opposed to the pill because with that you only have to remember to do it every three months and the pill is daily and I knew I would forget. Of course that was really stupid in hindsight because the Depo shot is 50% of the reason that I'm fat (the other 50% being that I can't find time to exercise like I should).
I just hope things get better but I've spent years now hoping things will get better and the optimistic side of me is dying a little more everytime something else goes wrong. My last couple of posts have been pretty negative lately. I'll have to remember next time to post something lighter and isn't so soul suckingly depressing. Someone remind me to do this.

it's beena long day, always ain't that right......

First I'd like to start this post by saying that I thought this pic of Krista rocking out to White and Nerdy with the Spock picture was freakin' awesome. That made me smile in a week that has been less than stellar. It just has not been a good week, not that anything has gone majorly wrong but its just a bunch of little things combined that have made for a pretty craptacular week.

Saturday Chris and I took Chucky to his first circus (that would be the Shrine Circus that comes to the LC Walker Arena in Muskegon every year because I am too damn cheap to pay $28 per ticket to go see Barnum & Bailey's). The show itself was alright and Chucky really liked it although some of the noise scared him. I took us all to the circus on the money that was sent to me for my birthday figuring I'd be nice and it would only be $21 so no big deal. Well we decided to let Chucky ride a few of the animals there which you needed tickets for. I figured no big deal, we would buy him a couple of tickets because it couldn't be that much. Well I made the mistake of handing Chris all of my birthday money and he went to buy the tickets. Well he didn't bother to ask where the money came from so he bought Chucky 4 tix at $6 each out of MY BIRTHDAY $$$. When I told him he just spent half the money I got for my birthday he goes "oh i thought you pulled that from the account" I'm thinking fool, when do we ever have money like that in our bank account to just pull out? So my birthday present this year was taking Chucky to a mediocre circus. Now it would have been a great family outing except for one thing (and if you don't consider yourself a patriot, then maybe this is where you should stop reading..). Before the show started they had us all get up, face the flag and say the Pledge of Allegiance. While everyone is reciting the pledge the stupid bastard behind me, instead of saying the correct words is making comments to the effect of "and to the republic which doesn't like black men, one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all black men" WTF?? Now if there is one way to piss me off to the point where I will turn around and punch you in your ugly ass face, its to be disrespectful while singing the National Anthem or saying the Pledge. Freedom of speech! you say. He should be able to say whatever he wants! Um no he shouldn't. I am a former Soldier of the United States Army. I went to war for this country with some good people who unfortunately did not make it back for your right to sit there and say some ignorant ass shit like you did while saying the pledge so you could impress your girlfriend who looked like someone took the biggest pig on the farm they could find, the ghetto-est creature they could find, and the cream of the trailer park trash crop and fused them together to make her. I hope it was worth it to you to completely disrespect all of the people who have fought for this country in the past and all of the people that are over there with their asses on the line now so you could get a few laughs out of swamp thing. And by the way, thanks for letting your bratty ass little crumbsnatcher kick my seat for the entire show. So with that being said, let everyone be forewarned that you do not want to sit next to me at a football game, circus, wrestling show or anywhere else where they will play the National Anthem or recite the Pledge and say anything but the words that are supposed to be said because I am the crazy ass bitch with PTSD from the war that will stalk your ass and run you down in the parking lot for that type of disrespect. This goes for all flag burners, people who won't shut the fuck up when the National Anthem is being played and the people who won't remove their hats either. This is America baby. You say its your right to say what you want when it comes to the flag and the pledge and the anthem? I say its my right to knock your teeth down your throat in response. You don't like that then move your ass to Canada. Okay I'm done now.

On to the rest of my week. I'm still really tired and I had planned on going to sleep early tonight but it just didn't happen as usual. Chris did not get home tonight until 9pm and Chucky fell asleep waiting for him to get home. I have been doing relatively well in my math class until monday when a project that was worth 10 pts was due and I had it done in time but you're required to post it to two different places and I only posted it to one so I get no points even though I did all the work and I can prove that I did have it done on time. The teacher I have for this class is good but she is a REALLY strict grader which makes the class more difficult. I emailed her and explained my mistake and she said she couldn't give me any points on it because it wouldn't be fair to other students who had made the same mistake. So apparently we're not allowed stupid human errors every once in awhile. On top of that we're moving from the office we currently occupy at work to the one right next door which is bigger. They have been getting the new office ready for us for the past two days and they have been painting in there. Since my desk is right by the door of our current office I have been smelling paint fumes and coming home with monster headaches and a sour stomach for the past two days from the smell. They won't open doors or windows to ventilate because it is balls cold outside and would make the whole building cold. Because of said monstrous headache yesterday I came home yesterday feeling like crap, fell asleep to try to get rid of the headache, didn't wake up til right before 11 pm and didn't have time to finish my math test and turn it in. Since she accepts no late assignments at all I also missed the 10 points for the test this week. So I went from an A in the class to a B if I'm lucky by not getting credit for the one assignment and missing the other one. At least the other class is going okay. I think I'll end up with an A- in that one. I just have to come up with my paper topic in the next couple of days and I have no idea what I want to write a seven page paper on.

Also adding to my week of misery was the fact that my husband forgot to put our pug in his cage before he went to work yesterday so the dumb little mutt had free run of the house until my dad got there to let him out 5 hours later and he peed and pooped all over our house. I didn't find the last pile until I went to put Chucky to bed that night and stepped in it WITH BARE FEET.

Lately too what has added to my feeling down is that sometimes I get the feeling that concerning our life here I'm in the fight alone because I don't get the support I need from Chris. He works full time and I work full time. Granted I work set hours and he works shitty hours but when he gets home its a fight to the death to get him to help me with Chucky. He argues me to death about how he shouldn't have to wash him up when he's in the tub or change his diaper or put him to bed because he just got home and wants to relax. I point out to him that when I got home I didn't get to relax because I had to take care of Chucky. He also argues with me CONSTANTLY about cleaning the house. Every day he says he'll clean the kitchen up before he leaves in the morning and every night when I get home the kitchen is still in a huge mess and the rest of the house is exactly like it was when I left. He thinks cleaning it up really good one day on the weekend is good enough. I can't stand having a dirty house. He argues with me over whose turn it is to make dinner. We're supposed to be taking turns but there are some nights where he just goes "I'm not making dinner" and he expects me to make Chucky's dinner and find something for myself. Also he has no involvement in paying our bills. I take care of all of our finances. I have often thought of handing the financial reigns over to him just so he can see how stressful it is to have to budget and pay the bills but if I did this even for a short period I have this fear that our bills would go unpaid and we would be in financial ruin in no time. Its never a good feeling to feel unsupported by your partner. When we are not fighting and we are getting along its great but sometimes I just get so damn sick of feeling like the relationship is lopsided and the pressure is on me. Maybe its the depression and PTSD thats making me feel this way, I don't know but I hate it and I wish we could change it but it takes two people to make a change and I think both of us are too stubborn to budge.

Well if this post hasn't been all over the place. I have even more to write but I also need to go to bed. You know, that work thing in the morning......

Sleep? What is this word, sleep?

That is basically how I have felt all week. Its been crazy for me for a variety of reasons. Work has been really slow lately which gives me alot of free time to do homework while I'm there. All week long I've been able to get everything done I need to by noon or 1pm and then do a few homework assignments in between answering the phones. When I get home though, its a different story. Chris has been sick all week which means no help with Chucky, the dogs, cleaning the house, cooking, or anything else that needed to be done this week. On top of that I haven't been able to fall asleep until around 1 or 2 am every morning and then I get up at 7:30 and do the whole thing all over again. I hope he feels better soon because I really need this weekend to catch up on my sleep. On the plus side I'll be catching up on that sleep in our brand new bed which arrived today. Its SOOOO soft.

Oh yeah, I made it through my 25th birthday and thanks to all who sent me birthday wishes. I actually had a decent birthday for once. I got the bag I wanted and I got my traditional pineapple upside down cake that my dad always makes me. I also got to go eat dinner at my favorite chinese place so all was good.

I'm trying to decide right now if I want to continue working on my degree 1 class the first term and 2 classes the 2nd term for the quarters or if I want to do two classes both terms of a quarter. If I do the 1 and 2 combo I'll graduate with my bachelor's in Feb of 09. If I do the 2 and2 combo I'll graduate with my bachelors September of next year. I do want to graduate the earlier date but that means risking burning myself out even more than I am now and I don't know if I could do that. I really like the classes I'm taking now though. I'm in intermediate algebra and POL201a American Political Systems. I'll be done with those in 3.5 more weeks and then its on to western geography and trigonometry. Oooh the excitement. I was going to write more but I am really tired so I think I'm going to try to go to bed early for once (well early for me, anyway....)